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Same situation, different story

I absolutely love this picture because it exemplifies an important concept, which I call “Same situation, different story.” 

Here we see a man trying to catch a ride home. Like any good hitchhiker, he’s written out a sign for passing cars. The picture shows two sign options (A) To Jacksonville and (B) To Mom’s For Christmas.

In both cases his situation is the same – he’s trying to get home to see his family. But the key difference is the narrative that he’s chosen to focus on. On the left, he’s letting cars know the destination, and on the right, he’s connecting the purpose.

Both are trying to achieve the same goal, which is to get a ride. Both are also legitimate facts. However each option will likely lead to a significantly different outcome. Perhaps he eventually gets picked up based on (A), but he’s more likely to be relatable with (B).

Same reality, but different story; therefore, different outcome. 

Much of our life and human potential comes down to the narrative we decide to focus on.

> Are you an overweight person or isn’t it also true that you lost a few pounds this month? 

> Did you miss that promotion because you’re not good enough or are you already in a respectable job (one that others would give up a promotion to have)? 

> Did you fail or are you stronger because of a setback? 

Are you choosing the right facts? Focus on the narrative that is conducive to success… the rest will follow. 

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Friendship Diagrams – Part 1

Ah, Friends.

Each buddy is unique but have you ever considered the context of your relationships? Or their wider connection to the universe?

This month, we uncover friendship diagrams (FDs for short); A way to translate your connections onto paper using math and social science. 

Let’s begin!

Meet Brent and Ace.

Each would independently call the other a “best friend.”

Translated into a Friendship Diagram…

This visual has four components.

(1) Arrows show consensus

For Brent and Ace, it’s a two way street; they each agree a friendship exists between them.

While subtle, it’s an important distinction because not all friendships go both ways. In fact, many do not.

Meet Dirk.

Dirk is kind of a jerk, so nobody really likes him. Sure, you’ll be respectful when he’s around, but you don’t actually want to hang out with the guy.

…

Dirk thinks everyone is his friend, but everyone else thinks differently. When we view his FD, Dirk has arrows going out, but sadly, none returning.

This is a crappy realization, but everyone knows a Dirk. In fact, at one point or another, we’ve likely found ourselves in our own Dirk-like scenario. While this is unavoidable, it could be worse.

Meet Steven Glansberg.

Video Reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZjH4wnzwk4

A noble mission: include the Steven Glansbergs and the Dirks.

(2) Proximity shows depth

Since Brent and Ace are best friends, it only makes sense that their proximity is close, but distance explains much more. How much do they know about each other? How often do they interact? Do they have similar social circles?

Bear with me, but the distance can be captured by an equation.

D = Distance on the Friendship Diagram

Qt = Quality Time spent together (life experiences and adventure)

t = Raw Time spent together (idle time and proximity)

r = Recency (how often you speak / last time you interacted)

The higher the score (D), the stronger your connection is, and the closer you sit on the diagram.

The purple bit of the statement describes our time.  

Quality Time (Qt): When friends define how close they feel, it doesn’t have to do with their physical proximity. Instead, it’s described by how well two people know each other and the experiences they’ve shared together. For example, you may have a childhood friend whom you rarely speak with, yet you’ve grown up together. While your interactions are sparse, you’ve built a serious bond through the events that have shaped you, That’s Quality Time (Qt).

Time (t): In the same vein, there are those we spend time being around, but we’re not actively deepening relationships with. Think of the co-worker everyone dislikes, your child’s school teacher, even that crazy guy on the Subway. Time still counts towards something, but, when it’s idle or non-bond building, it pushes us away. That’s why Idle Time (t) sits in the denominator of the the equation. If raw time increases without any bond building, we’re slowly drifting apart.

We want to strive for the highest proportion of quality time together, because idle time eventually erodes our relationships. Consider your friendships; has your time together been quality or idle? When’s the last time you deeply interacted with your friends?

Recency (r): Just because you’ve built a strong connection, doesn’t mean you don’t need to maintain it. Keeping tabs on your buddies is not just additive but multiplicative. When we plan a fun night with friends, we tend to think of those we’ve interacted with most recently. And, if you’re out of the picture for a while, you can drop out of a friend’s immediate social channel quickly. This is why recency feels as if it’s on an exponential curve, but it’s not (see above). The truth is that you just need to take initiative. When we proactively reach out, we resume our closer proximity… just don’t wait too long.

Have you been missing in action lately? Check out this post  on how to deepen relationships in the 21st century. (Hint: While it may feel hard, it’s easier than ever to stand out).

If you break down the math you’ll find that Quality Time (Qt) and Recency (r) are the biggest drivers of Distance. Meaning that the fast lane to building a friendship is to spend time purposely with one another on a more frequent basis. There could be an entire post written on this subject, but to keep it simple: discover shared interests, make plans, and show up. 

Cool, we’ve learned distance! Now grab your astronomy boots, because we’re going planetary next.

(3) Mass shows power

Mass is your weight after you strip away gravity (aka: the force holding us down on Earth).

But the coolest part about Mass is that it shows us how different bodies interact [1]. The greater a planet’s mass, the more it pulls in other objects around it. Take the Sun and the Earth. It’s estimated that you could fit 1.3 million Earths inside the Sun.

The Sun is 333,000 times more massive than the Earth. Because it’s so large, there’s an invisible force pulling all the planets in our solar system towards the Sun at all times. This is why the Earth rotates around the Sun and not vice-versa (sorry Aristotle!).

I posit that our friendships experience the same phenomenons; Friendship Diagrams are like mini-maps of our own universe.

First off, we can denote each person’s Mass; illustrating the ability of an individual to pull others inward, and keep us together. Just like the periodic table of elements, there is a wide range of Mass out there, or, in this case, “pulling in strength.”

But there’s a second quality of Mass; the more massive an object, the harder it is change its state of motion [2]. In the case of FD’s, motion isn’t physical, but is a person’s opinions, attitudes, feelings, and decisions to be friends. 

Take Grace, as an example.

…

…

…

Hangout with Grace once, no big deal. But make it a weekly occurrence, and she’ll suck you right in. Before you know it, you can’t escape Grace; she’s everywhere you go, socializing more than breathing, hanging out with your friends.

Want to go bowling? Oh, hey Grace…

Trying to see Avengers alone? 

Soon, you can’t make plans, because Grace has already made them for you.

Grace is the blackhole of friends.

And there are two things we know about Black Holes.

#1. The speed of sucking you in accelerates as objects get closer towards the center.

#2. Once you pass “the point of no return” (Schwarzschild radius), you can never escape [3].

Together, this forms a massive Grace.

There are positive versions of this phenomenon, but the main point is to be careful. Our social circles exhibit an abundance of forces, and you can drift far without realizing it.

Have you wandered off course?

(4) Color shows uniqueness

Lastly, while Brent and Ace have similar interests, they are unique people. To illustrate their differences, they are distinct colors.

When we talk about color in the friendship diagram we mean informational differences, like their education, experiences, values, and goals.

    1. Brenton grew up in the South, he’s from a rural town, and studied Writing in college.
  1. Ace grew up in the North, he’s from an urban town, and studied Business in college.

Small differences, large shifts in viewpoint.

This attribute is powerful, and we want to aim for a colorful Friendship Diagram of our own. 

Adam Grant has a good explanation of why diverse backgrounds and viewpoints matter:

“You want teams that are cognitively diverse and psychologically safe. A variety of thinking styles—coupled with the freedom to take risks without being punished—enables groups to generate, test, and implement creative ideas. It’s important that our diagrams grow diversely, and we give them the freedom to fail.”

Think about the internet, would you agree that (when used properly) it can elevate performance? There are a variety of reasons why that may be so, but the internet provides an unfathomable number of data points (many of them being different). While these articles, opinions, and interests may not be relevant or even true, they create new pathways of thought that challenge our decisions. Ultimately, we may only use a small percentage of the data, but having access to unique opinions gives way to the best outcomes – it fights against the echo-chambers of our own selves. Here’s a study from Stanford further explaining this concept.

Of course, it’s easier to relate to colors that are similar ie: those who have similar backgrounds or experiences. However, we must push ourselves to create relationships with those less like us as too. Performance outcomes are elevated when we increase diversity [2]. And of course, digging deeper we actually find that we are more alike than different.

“Human beings by nature want happiness… everyone tries to achieve [it]. In this way, [we] are the same, whether rich or poor, education or uneducated, Easterner or Westerner, believer or non-believer, and within believers whether Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim and so on. Basically from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same.”

-Dalai Lama

We’re all some sort of dot on the friendship diagram, whether our dots are big, small, blue, or green.

< END of Part 1 >

Coming up next, our FD over time and more.

Which attributes do you relate to most?

Post your comments below.

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Perception pivots and why they matter

 

Written on February 8th, 2018

12 minute read

Perception pivots and why they matter

You should always focus on valuable realities; a familiar statement I tell Googlers attending my happiness course.

There are 11 billion pieces of information communicated to us every single second.

 

Crazy, right? If you look around, there are 11 billion things your brain can focus on. What do you think your brain can actually process (per second)?

Here is where the really optimistic people shine. Some will shout out, “one-thousand” or even “ten-thousand,” but the answer is actually 40 bits per second. You don’t have to be a math expert to know that 40 is a really, really small slice of 11 billion. That’s the equivalent of choosing 58 people on the entire planet!

Whatever you focus on, is the reality that you live in; and everybody focuses on something different. This is pretty nuts, and what we’re finding is people are quite literally living in different realities. If you’re a Stranger Things fan, we’re having the same thought; the upside down is being played out in real time! Well, not quite that dramatic, but directionally it’s actually correct.

There’s an important group of people, who we call, “Positive Geniuses.” They focus on the right pieces of information in their environment, leading them to faster solutions, higher levels of creativity, productivity… the list goes on. They’re using perception to their advantage.

There are two specific ways you can train your mind to become more like a “Positive Genius,” and I decided to try them out myself for 30 days.

Daily Gratitudes – there’s a lot that you’re grateful for, so take the time to recognize it

  • Write down 3 things you’re grateful for each day, it can be really abstract or really simple
  • IE: Good music, cute puppies, and the opportunity to learn something new everyday
  • This rewires your brain to look for the positive things in your environment (the better 40 bits)

Reframing Challenges – multiple realities exist and we need to select the most valuable reality

  • Choose something you’re struggling with and write down three ways you currently view the task; then, contrast it by writing down three alternate yet equally true ways to see that same problem
  • IE: I have a lot of work to catch up on, but I also have a lot of responsibility and control in my job
  • This forces you to view situations in multiple ways and, by doing so, you recognize new factors in your environment you typically miss (a different 40 bits)

Would I start seeing the positive details in my environment? Could I be missing the most important 40 bits? Will it have any measurable impact on my performance at work or at home?

The second exercise was most fascinating to me, and it flows into something I dub the “Perception Pivot.” We’ve all experienced it before – you learn a small fact about a situation and suddenly your option or outlook does a 180. IE: You thought the cashier was a terrible person, but suddenly you couldn’t have more compassion for them. Here’s an example that underscores this incredibly well, and it comes from my friend, Sean. At the time, he was a manager of an Apple Store.

One Thursday, it was busier than normal and the wait was long. One woman in the iPhone repair queue was getting extremely agitated at the staff. She began acting out and screaming at employees. The other customers in line were looking at her like she was a lunatic, they tried their best to just ignore her. Eventually, she demanded a manager and Sean did his best to truly understand the situation by asking her a series of questions. After a few minutes, he found out something critical; she was a chemotherapy patient and used some of the applications on her iPhone to schedule her medical treatments. The longer she waited for her phone to be fixed, the more treatment appointments she was missing.

I think anyone in that line, if they had known this fact, would have acted differently. Even you, feel completely different about her behavior at this point, right?

Boom. Perception pivot.

Back to my research, the short answer is yes; I began to have a more positive outlook everyday, I felt more satisfied at work and even found stronger meaning in my social circles with friends and family. It felt as though the exercises were working, I was certainly more grateful and saw challenges with new vantage points. But my conclusion was only anecdotal; I needed something else to show the exercise was working. And that’s when something incredible happened.

I was meeting a friend after work who lived in downtown Ann Arbor. The building’s tenant base was predominantly graduate students and newly working 20-somethings. As I came through the lobby, I saw an older woman stacking large moving boxes; there must have been at least 4 of them, each full with belongings. She was having trouble moving them alone, and each lobby-goer passed by as if she wasn’t there.

It was so strange. I mean, if you ran an experiment showing various situations and asked, “what doesn’t fit?” I think 10/10 test subjects would have chosen this woman. Nothing lined up, she was middle-aged, not recently graduated; moving out, not moving in; visibly upset and unhappy.

In real life, you’re not forced to pick out things that don’t fit. In fact, we’re usually running on autopilot, deep inside our heads, there’s a lot we miss. Everyone assumes the script is always the same, but many times it’s not. Ah-ha! My perception exercise was working.

Instead of passing her, my eyes met hers and I just began moving boxes. We didn’t say anything, I just started helping. Suddenly her individual operation evolved into a circuit formation. 10 additional boxes were transported from the lobby, to the parking lot, to the trunk of an SUV. At the car, there were two adults waiting, both in a saddened mood. After we packed the last box away, I answered their thank-yous and walked back towards the building.

I had almost reached the entrance when I heard, “Wait a minute!” …she had followed me back inside. As I turned around, I noticed eyes held back tears. “That was really kind of you.” she said. “The two parents at the car just found out that their daughter had passed away. It was sudden. I knew her well because I am a professor at the University and she was one of my students, a great person. What you did means so much, it’s hard for me to describe. Getting help from from people in the community has been so important.”

Boom, perception pivot.

You should always push yourself to see how situations may be different.

Angry at the driver who cut you off?

  • Maybe he’s driving his wife to the hospital, she’s in labor with their first-born.

An employee comes to work late each day of the week

  • Maybe she’s taking care of an ailing parent, hasn’t been home earlier than 11pm each night

See a stranger moving out of your apartment building?

  • Maybe she’s helping a friend who needs it more than you can imagine

We tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, but never offer others that same chance. It leads us to miss what’s going on right in front of us because we’re stuck in our own heads. We need to constantly challenge our perceptions, everyday, in every way.

I challenge you to pick up a positive habit this week and view your reality differently. When we become Positive Geniuses, we don’t just elevate ourselves, but instead, we lift everyone up.

Perspective pivots matter because they help us reach our greatest potential.